__deadleaves (__deadleaves) wrote in gay_bahai,

This Sucks.

So I've been going to therapy, but I can't help it. I still hate myself for being queer. I just want to dream and think about boys instead of girls. When I talk about it, people just say "OH YOU NEED TO ACCEPT IT IT IS FINE AND NATURAL" but I don't want to accept it.

I want it out.

I have dreams where I have a knife and I'm cutting a black, cancerous thing out of my flesh and I know that it's the liking of other girls that I'm cutting out. When it's out I feel so refreshed and happy, but then I wake up and it's still there.

It's so hard, because I love being a Baha'i and I accept God's word that homosexuality isn't a good thing, but I hate hating myself. I will never leave the Baha'i Faith, because even if I resign I'll still be a Baha'i in my heart.

It's so gross. I hate it. I hate hating myself.

I want to ask God why it pleases Him to see me this way.

Edit: I'm currently 18, and I've known I was this way since... well, since puberty or so. I'm not some moronic teen who thinks being bi or queer is "trendy". I know what I feel, and I don't want to feel this way.
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